In here Ron...Jokes and other one liners...

A rich woman was sure that her husband was cheating on her by having an affair with the maid. So she laid down a trap.​



One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn’t tell her husband. That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story: “Excuse me my dear, my stomach aches” and went to the bathroom.



The wife promptly went and got into the maid’s bed. She switched the lights off.


When he came in silently, he wasted no time or words and started going down on her.

After only a few minutes the wife finished and was still panting when she screamed: “I got you! You didn’t expect to find me in this bed, did you?!” and switched on the light.

“No Señora” replied the Gardener.
 
On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride - "I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.”

"What is it?" his new bride asked lovingly.

"I'm a golf fanatic," he said.

"I think about golf constantly. I'll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win."

His new bride pondered this for a moment and said,

"I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, I'm a hooker."

"No problem," said her husband, - "just widen your stance a little, and overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up."
 
A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Holmfirth because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Holmfirth because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Holmfirth because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Holmfirth because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Holmfirth because they had never been there before.
 
A boyfriend and girlfriend are sunbathing on the beach when the girl decides to sunbathe naked.
After only a few minutes a bee flies into the girl’s vagina! The beautiful blonde screams and frantically tells her boyfriend what happened.

An old couple having a picnic nearby hears the commotion and rushes over to help.
The older man says to the boyfriend:
“That happened to my wife once. Listen to me: we’ll coat your penis with honey, you insert it into your girlfriend, and when you feel the bee on the tip, slowly pull it out.”
The boyfriend gives it a try, but after a few moments it’s clear he can’t reach far enough. So the older woman says:
“With both your permissions, I honestly think my husband can help with that.”

They both agree. The older man pulls down his speedo, smears himself with honey, and gets instantly hard just from touching the naked, hot girl’s body. He slowly inserts his honey-covered penis a few inches into the girl’s vagina. He pulls out an inch, slides back in a couple of inches, pulls out again.
“There he is… no, lost him… I think I’ve got him. No, no—lost him again…”

Over the next 20 minutes, the older man’s comments turn into grunts and heavy panting. Sweat is dripping down his face and he starts kissing the girl’s neck while pumping vigorously. The girl is moaning wildly with pleasure and has locked her shaking legs around the man’s hips and has both her hands on his buttcheeks.
At this point the young guy, on the edge of his seat, finally screams: “Tell me what’s happening! What’s going on in there?!”

So the older man yells at his wife: “Join in and cup my balls! I’m about to drown that little fucker!” 😁😂
 
The only cow in a small West Yorkshire town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the border in Oldham for £200.

They brought the cow from Oldham and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They borrowed the bull from a neighbouring farm and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.?

They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Oldham?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Oldham?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from. Oldham. "
 
Patient: "Doc, I feel that I am really ugly and I really hate myself"

Psychologist: "Hey,look at me, - you're not ugly,- nobody is ugly, - we're all beautiful in our own way"

Patient: "Wow really?"

Psychologist: "Yes and you're a very fine looking young man"

Patient: "No - I'm a girl"

Psychologist:" Fuck"
 
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Justice has been served!
There's been some scumbag called Callum known as Cal going round breaking in to people's houses near me for months, but the police can't catch him. The weirdest thing about it all, is he was breaking into people's houses and ruining their washing machines by putting bricks in to them & turning them on while helping himself to whatever he wanted!!!!! Really weird if you ask me...
Anyway, just read that he was found dead in an alley coz of a drug overdose..
It's never nice hearing of someone's death, but on the bright side, washing machines live longer with Cal gone.
 
A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.

Their waitress (taking another order at a table a few paces away) suddenly noticed that the man was slowing, sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."
 
The photographer for The Press and Journal was assigned to get photos of a Caithness heath fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his office to hire a plane.

"It will be waiting for you at Wick airport!" he was assured by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway.

He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!"

The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"
 
⚠️ A WEALTHY Arab Sheikh visiting YORKSHIRE was suddenly taken to hospital after becoming seriously ill and he needed an emergency blood transfusion! 🩸

Unfortunately the sheikh had a very rare type of blood and the LGI didn't have any in stock 😲

After some frantic calls, a Yorkshire farmer from up in the dales is located who has the same blood type and he agrees to make his way to Leeds to donate some blood.

The Sheikh recieives the blood and begins to get better. He tells his assistant that he should send the farmer many lavish gifts as a show of his appreciation.

A few days later the Yorkshireman answers the door to be greeted with a brand new tractor, £250,000 in cash, a pouch full of diamonds and a life time supply of Yorkshire tea 🚜💵☕️

A couple of days later, the Sheikh begins to get ill again and the hospital have to phone the Yorkshireman, who was more than happy to donate some more blood 💉

After receiving the blood the Sheikh gets better and once again tells his assistant to send the Yorkshireman some gifts as a show of his appreciation but this time when the Yorkshireman opens his door all he receives is a Thank you card and a £10 voucher for Toby Carvery! 😲

The Yorkshireman was shocked that the Sheikh did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.

He phoned the Sheikh and asked him; ☎️

"What's this all abart? I thought tha would be generous again, a thought that tha would gimme some more money and diamonds .... but thas only given me a card and a chuffin 10 quid voucher ya tight get!" 🤷‍♂️

The sheikh replied;

"Aye lad ya reyt, but av got Yorkshire blood in me veins nar!" 😂

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JimVee said:
⚠️ A WEALTHY Arab Sheikh visiting YORKSHIRE was suddenly taken to hospital after becoming seriously ill and he needed an emergency blood transfusion! 🩸

Unfortunately the sheikh had a very rare type of blood and the LGI didn't have any in stock 😲

After some frantic calls, a Yorkshire farmer from up in the dales is located who has the same blood type and he agrees to make his way to Leeds to donate some blood.

The Sheikh recieives the blood and begins to get better. He tells his assistant that he should send the farmer many lavish gifts as a show of his appreciation.

A few days later the Yorkshireman answers the door to be greeted with a brand new tractor, £250,000 in cash, a pouch full of diamonds and a life time supply of Yorkshire tea 🚜💵☕️

A couple of days later, the Sheikh begins to get ill again and the hospital have to phone the Yorkshireman, who was more than happy to donate some more blood 💉

After receiving the blood the Sheikh gets better and once again tells his assistant to send the Yorkshireman some gifts as a show of his appreciation but this time when the Yorkshireman opens his door all he receives is a Thank you card and a £10 voucher for Toby Carvery! 😲

The Yorkshireman was shocked that the Sheikh did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.

He phoned the Sheikh and asked him; ☎️

"What's this all abart? I thought tha would be generous again, a thought that tha would gimme some more money and diamonds .... but thas only given me a card and a chuffin 10 quid voucher ya tight get!" 🤷‍♂️

The sheikh replied;

"Aye lad ya reyt, but av got Yorkshire blood in me veins nar!" 😂

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I was just about to post this...
 
Husband and wife were waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes.

When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.

After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him,

"Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick..?

That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies,

“If you would've put a rubber at the end of your 'thing' we'd all be riding that damn bus..! So shut the fuck up."
 
A guy was with a prostitute and asked her to undress. She took her clothes off and he said, "Whats this? Your hair is blonde but your pubes are black"
"Well," she said, " What colour does your thumb go when you hit it with a hammer? "Black," he said.
" Well you should see the fucking hammering this has had," she said!
 
A man finds a lamp and gives it a rub, and a genie pops out

‘Alright’ says the Genie ‘you’ve got two wishes’

The man says ‘I thought it was three’

The Genie says ‘check your pants mate…I’ve been doing this a long time’
 
Henry Winkler was flying from London to New York and started to feel cold.
He requested a blanket and pillow from the flight attendant.
Upon returning with these items the flight attendant asked, “Would you like some headphones?”
“I would love that!” he replied. “But it’s pronounced ‘Fonz’.”
 
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