In here Ron...Jokes and other one liners...
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During work, Me and Dave were chatting:
Dave: Tony, I've been attending night
classes for 5 months now and I have an exam
next week.
Me: oh! Why?
Dave: For example, do you know who
Alexander Graham Bell is?
Me: No
Dave: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876;
if you took night Courses you would know this.
The next day, the same discussion took place:
Dave: Do you know who Alexandre Dumas is?
Me: No
Dave: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers",
if you took night courses, you would know this.
The next day, once again:
Dave: And do you know who Jean-Jacques
Rousseau is?
Me: No idea
Billy: He's the author of "The Confessions"
if you took night courses, you would know this.
This time i was pissed off, and said:
And you Dave ... do you know who Big Barry Jones is?
Dave: No?
ME: He's the guy who's screwing your wife...
If you stop night courses, you'd know this.
Dave: Tony, I've been attending night
classes for 5 months now and I have an exam
next week.
Me: oh! Why?
Dave: For example, do you know who
Alexander Graham Bell is?
Me: No
Dave: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876;
if you took night Courses you would know this.
The next day, the same discussion took place:
Dave: Do you know who Alexandre Dumas is?
Me: No
Dave: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers",
if you took night courses, you would know this.
The next day, once again:
Dave: And do you know who Jean-Jacques
Rousseau is?
Me: No idea
Billy: He's the author of "The Confessions"
if you took night courses, you would know this.
This time i was pissed off, and said:
And you Dave ... do you know who Big Barry Jones is?
Dave: No?
ME: He's the guy who's screwing your wife...
If you stop night courses, you'd know this.
If you have access to UK TV, I just watched ‘Who Do You Think You Are USA’ on BBC iPlayer. It’s a celebrity genealogy program where famous people trace their families back over generations.
Today’s episode was Richard Gere. His father’s family originated from Sweden and his great grandfather x 4 was named Gottler, and was a world famous ventriloquist.
Fascinating stuff.
Today’s episode was Richard Gere. His father’s family originated from Sweden and his great grandfather x 4 was named Gottler, and was a world famous ventriloquist.
Fascinating stuff.
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; and for fruit, cereal and pop in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy." Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy." At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa." "Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William… that little bastard's name is Kevin."
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy." Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy." At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa." "Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William… that little bastard's name is Kevin."
Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked. The headaches are all gone."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Damn! That was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
His funeral service will be held on Saturday
"No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked. The headaches are all gone."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Damn! That was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
His funeral service will be held on Saturday
I accidentally rubbed herbs into my eyes when cooking yesterday, and now I'm parsley sighted.
Fred had been suffering from terrible headaches for over twenty years.
Finally, he went to see a specialist. After a long examination, the doctor said:
“Fred, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is… it will require castration.
You have a rare condition where your testicles press against your spine, causing severe headaches. Removing them is the only way to relieve the pressure.”
Fred was stunned and devastated, but after years of pain, he agreed to the surgery.
When he left the hospital, he felt strange and incomplete — but for the first time in decades, he had no headache.
As he walked down the street, he decided he needed a fresh start. A new life.
Maybe even a new wardrobe.
He passed a men’s clothing store and thought, Why not?
He walked in and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”
The elderly tailor looked him over and said, “You’re a size 44 long.”
Fred laughed. “That’s right. How did you know?”
“Been in the business sixty years,” the tailor said.
Fred tried on the suit — it fit perfectly.
“How about a shirt?” the tailor asked.
Fred nodded, and the tailor studied him again. “34 sleeve, 16½ neck.”
“Amazing,” Fred said. “Exactly right.”
“Been in the business sixty years,” the tailor replied.
After trying on the perfect shirt, Fred walked around the store feeling better already.
Then the tailor asked, “How about some new underwear?”
“Sure,” Fred said.
The tailor looked him over and said, “Size 36.”
Fred laughed loudly. “Got you there! I’ve worn size 34 since I was eighteen.”
The tailor shook his head and said:
“You can’t wear size 34.
Size 34 would press your testicles right up against the base of your spine… and give you one terrible headache.”
Finally, he went to see a specialist. After a long examination, the doctor said:
“Fred, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is… it will require castration.
You have a rare condition where your testicles press against your spine, causing severe headaches. Removing them is the only way to relieve the pressure.”
Fred was stunned and devastated, but after years of pain, he agreed to the surgery.
When he left the hospital, he felt strange and incomplete — but for the first time in decades, he had no headache.
As he walked down the street, he decided he needed a fresh start. A new life.
Maybe even a new wardrobe.
He passed a men’s clothing store and thought, Why not?
He walked in and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”
The elderly tailor looked him over and said, “You’re a size 44 long.”
Fred laughed. “That’s right. How did you know?”
“Been in the business sixty years,” the tailor said.
Fred tried on the suit — it fit perfectly.
“How about a shirt?” the tailor asked.
Fred nodded, and the tailor studied him again. “34 sleeve, 16½ neck.”
“Amazing,” Fred said. “Exactly right.”
“Been in the business sixty years,” the tailor replied.
After trying on the perfect shirt, Fred walked around the store feeling better already.
Then the tailor asked, “How about some new underwear?”
“Sure,” Fred said.
The tailor looked him over and said, “Size 36.”
Fred laughed loudly. “Got you there! I’ve worn size 34 since I was eighteen.”
The tailor shook his head and said:
“You can’t wear size 34.
Size 34 would press your testicles right up against the base of your spine… and give you one terrible headache.”