In here Ron...Jokes and other one liners...
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The prostitutes tax return
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she
needs to file her tax returns.
The accountant says, "Well, before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address etc and then asks,"What's your occupation?"
"I'm a prostitute," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to re phrase
that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says,
"I'm an elite poultry farmer."
The accountant asks, "Excuse my ignorance but what does poultry farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, believe it or not, I must have raised a thousand cocks last year."
"Poultry Farmer it is then !!
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she
needs to file her tax returns.
The accountant says, "Well, before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address etc and then asks,"What's your occupation?"
"I'm a prostitute," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to re phrase
that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says,
"I'm an elite poultry farmer."
The accountant asks, "Excuse my ignorance but what does poultry farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, believe it or not, I must have raised a thousand cocks last year."
"Poultry Farmer it is then !!
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.
Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife - "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?
But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.
Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife - "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?
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Four old timers were playing their weekly game of golf, one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off of."
The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning -- intercourse or golf course --'
She said, "Don't forget your hat."
His buddies all chimed in said, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority; figure out a way and meet here early, Christmas morning."
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off of."
The second guy says, "I spent a ton too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures."
The third guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual."
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
"I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the bum and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning -- intercourse or golf course --'
She said, "Don't forget your hat."
The Royal Navy Cook slowly opens his eyes, slightly unnerved at the unfamiliar surroundings. Eventually he realises he is in the Intensive Care Unit of a Hospital Ship homeward bound, back to Portsmouth.
Memories start to return; he is in the galley when the ship is brought to action stations, all hands rushing to their respected positions. First a piped message is heard ‘in bound aircraft spotted’, a few minutes later after a missile has been seen on radar, the dreaded ‘Brace, Brace, Brace, brace for impact’, then second later a small thud on the side of the ship followed almost immediately by a thunderous explosion. All the crew are thrown around the ship, badly injured the cook comes round, bodies lying all around him.
Another tannoy message comes through the loudspeakers ‘All Hands Abandon Ship’
Our cook finds one of his shipmates badly injured, and although in pain himself he manages to drag him to the upper deck. Once there, has he was looking for an easy way to get over the side there was a second, even bigger explosion, throwing him over the side and into unconsciousness.
Now here he is the relative safety of the Hospital Ship. He now takes in his surroundings tubes and pipes seem to be coming in and out of every fundamental orifice, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
The nurse gives the Cook a serious, …deep look, straight in the eyes, and slowly says;
“You may not feel anything from the waist down.”
Somehow he manages to mumble a reply;
“Can I feel your boobs then?”.
Memories start to return; he is in the galley when the ship is brought to action stations, all hands rushing to their respected positions. First a piped message is heard ‘in bound aircraft spotted’, a few minutes later after a missile has been seen on radar, the dreaded ‘Brace, Brace, Brace, brace for impact’, then second later a small thud on the side of the ship followed almost immediately by a thunderous explosion. All the crew are thrown around the ship, badly injured the cook comes round, bodies lying all around him.
Another tannoy message comes through the loudspeakers ‘All Hands Abandon Ship’
Our cook finds one of his shipmates badly injured, and although in pain himself he manages to drag him to the upper deck. Once there, has he was looking for an easy way to get over the side there was a second, even bigger explosion, throwing him over the side and into unconsciousness.
Now here he is the relative safety of the Hospital Ship. He now takes in his surroundings tubes and pipes seem to be coming in and out of every fundamental orifice, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
The nurse gives the Cook a serious, …deep look, straight in the eyes, and slowly says;
“You may not feel anything from the waist down.”
Somehow he manages to mumble a reply;
“Can I feel your boobs then?”.
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough, as the social services wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't strong, or smart enough to steal one.
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem, but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me, it will do the job', said the Doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem, but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.'
'Trust me, it will do the job', said the Doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count: '1, 2, 3, 4, 5,' at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
Jack was skint and fed up with his wife, so he met his old mate, Arty, in the pub. Arty was a retired hit man and Jack tried to persuade him to knock off his wife. After a rum or two Arty agreed to this one last job - but only on payment of 10 grand.
Jack didn't have 10 grand on him (or ever!), but Arty was insisting on money changing hands before they shook on the deal. So Jack fished a pound out of his pocket and they shook over that, with the other £9,999 to come from Jack's wife's life insurance.
A few days later Arty trailed Jack's wife into the supermarket and surprised her in the vegetable aisle. After strangling her, he was just about to make his escape when the store manager rounded the corner and caught him red-handed. He couldn't leave a witness, so Arty strangled the manager too, before fleeing the store.
Unfortunately, Arty had forgotten about the store's CCTV and the fuzz was feeling his collar within the hour.
The whole sordid story came out at the trial - about the pub meeting, the down-payment and the hit.
The local rag reported it the next day under the headline
"Arty chokes 2 for a pound at Sainsburys"
Jack didn't have 10 grand on him (or ever!), but Arty was insisting on money changing hands before they shook on the deal. So Jack fished a pound out of his pocket and they shook over that, with the other £9,999 to come from Jack's wife's life insurance.
A few days later Arty trailed Jack's wife into the supermarket and surprised her in the vegetable aisle. After strangling her, he was just about to make his escape when the store manager rounded the corner and caught him red-handed. He couldn't leave a witness, so Arty strangled the manager too, before fleeing the store.
Unfortunately, Arty had forgotten about the store's CCTV and the fuzz was feeling his collar within the hour.
The whole sordid story came out at the trial - about the pub meeting, the down-payment and the hit.
The local rag reported it the next day under the headline
"Arty chokes 2 for a pound at Sainsburys"
Lady Eleanor Ponsonby is having her coming out debutant party at the Savoyin London.
There she meets Sir Angus McTavish a Scots lord and after a whirlwind romance they marry and set out on their honeymoon by transatlantic cruise.
The Purser on board takes them to their cabin but when Lady Eleanor sees they have been given bunk beds she goes crazy.
Gus demands a proper suite preferably a bridal suit.
They tell him that the cruise is full and there are no spare cabins.
Lady Nelly tells gus that if he can't sort it, she is leaving him before the ship sets sail.
He is unsuccessful and in a fit of rage she grabs a fire axe from the hall and breaks up her accursed bed and storms out and back ashore.
Next Day the front page of the Times declares
"Nelly the debutant hacks her bunk and says goodbye to the Sir Gus"
There she meets Sir Angus McTavish a Scots lord and after a whirlwind romance they marry and set out on their honeymoon by transatlantic cruise.
The Purser on board takes them to their cabin but when Lady Eleanor sees they have been given bunk beds she goes crazy.
Gus demands a proper suite preferably a bridal suit.
They tell him that the cruise is full and there are no spare cabins.
Lady Nelly tells gus that if he can't sort it, she is leaving him before the ship sets sail.
He is unsuccessful and in a fit of rage she grabs a fire axe from the hall and breaks up her accursed bed and storms out and back ashore.
Next Day the front page of the Times declares
"Nelly the debutant hacks her bunk and says goodbye to the Sir Gus"
One for the Goat:-
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: ‘Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So, please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish. …
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman… He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate… Awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, Fed them breakfast, Packed their lunches, Drove them to school, Came home and picked up the dry cleaning, Took it to the cleaners And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, Went grocery shopping, Then drove home to put away the groceries, Paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog…
Then, it was already 1 P.M. And he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, Dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, He cleaned the kitchen, Ran the dishwasher, Folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:
– Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, Oh! Please, let us trade back.. Amen!’
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: “My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
But you’ll have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman… He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate… Awakened the kids, Set out their school clothes, Fed them breakfast, Packed their lunches, Drove them to school, Came home and picked up the dry cleaning, Took it to the cleaners And stopped at the bank to make a deposit, Went grocery shopping, Then drove home to put away the groceries, Paid the bills and balanced the check book. He cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog…
Then, it was already 1 P.M. And he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, Dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework. Then, set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing. At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, He cleaned the kitchen, Ran the dishwasher, Folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. He was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint. The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:
– Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, Oh! Please, let us trade back.. Amen!’
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied: “My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
But you’ll have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night
Old Charlie sausage fingers aka "The King' decided to take up walking every day. However, his route takes him past a particular corner on which a prostitute is always standing, offering her services. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. " 150 pounds!" she’d shouted. "No, £5!" he said, from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up. This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence." £150!” He'd yell back, "no, £5!" One day,
Camilla decided to accompany her husband. As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Charlie boy realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass. Then, the hooker yelled; See what you get for £5, you tight b#stard!...
Camilla decided to accompany her husband. As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Charlie boy realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass. Then, the hooker yelled; See what you get for £5, you tight b#stard!...
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Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for €100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked,
' What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at €2 each and made a profit of €898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his €2 back.'
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked,
' What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at €2 each and made a profit of €898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his €2 back.'
A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the fucking garden."
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the fucking garden."
An alien spaceship lands in a married couple's backyard... 
The couple goes out to greet them. After introductions they soon discover that these aliens are galactic swingers, and they were looking to do a little swapping.
The couple decided that, since they were representing all of humanity, they would play along.
The wife takes the male alien upstairs to the main bedroom, while the husband takes the female to the guest room.
When the male pulls down his pants, the wife discovers he has a tiny green penis... smaller than a golf tee. She chuckled a little bit, and told him "We aren't going to be doing much with that little thing!"
The alien, with a twinkle in his eye replied... "Come over here and tug on my right ear." So she did, and his penis grew straight out 10 inches and fattened up like a super sized sausage! He then said "Tug on my left ear now..." After doing so, the alien's tongue started vibrating uncontrollably at high speed.
The next morning, after the aliens had left for the stars, the husband and wife sat down in the kitchen to have a cup of coffee.
The husband, noticing the glow emanating off of his wife, asked how her night went. She replied "It was wonderful! How about yours?"
He shrugged his shoulders and said "Meh...it was ok. Weird thing though...she kept playing with my ears all night..."
The couple goes out to greet them. After introductions they soon discover that these aliens are galactic swingers, and they were looking to do a little swapping.
The couple decided that, since they were representing all of humanity, they would play along.
The wife takes the male alien upstairs to the main bedroom, while the husband takes the female to the guest room.
When the male pulls down his pants, the wife discovers he has a tiny green penis... smaller than a golf tee. She chuckled a little bit, and told him "We aren't going to be doing much with that little thing!"
The alien, with a twinkle in his eye replied... "Come over here and tug on my right ear." So she did, and his penis grew straight out 10 inches and fattened up like a super sized sausage! He then said "Tug on my left ear now..." After doing so, the alien's tongue started vibrating uncontrollably at high speed.
The next morning, after the aliens had left for the stars, the husband and wife sat down in the kitchen to have a cup of coffee.
The husband, noticing the glow emanating off of his wife, asked how her night went. She replied "It was wonderful! How about yours?"
He shrugged his shoulders and said "Meh...it was ok. Weird thing though...she kept playing with my ears all night..."
Police in Bradford pulled over a local lad and were amazed to find the car taxed M.O.T. tested and insured.
It wasn't stolen and there were no stolen goods or drugs found.
The driver was sober AND He had a full licence and no points.
A police spokesman said, "We had no option but to fine him £80 for wasting police time."
It wasn't stolen and there were no stolen goods or drugs found.
The driver was sober AND He had a full licence and no points.
A police spokesman said, "We had no option but to fine him £80 for wasting police time."
A man had four sons from different mothers: Brodwel, Kenneth, Conrad, and Dominic.
One day, his sons called a meeting with their father to ask why he gave them those names and what they meant.
The father replied, 'Take the first three letters_ of your names and join them together.
You will find the answer and please, I won't explain myself any further!
One day, his sons called a meeting with their father to ask why he gave them those names and what they meant.
The father replied, 'Take the first three letters_ of your names and join them together.
You will find the answer and please, I won't explain myself any further!
Must've known he was going to have 4 kids, which begs the question, why was he still using condoms?
