"Dad, now that I'm 12 can I wear silk panties and a bra?"
"No Geoffrey, you can't!"
"No Geoffrey, you can't!"
In here Ron...Jokes and other one liners...
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When my Grandad became ill, the Doctor told my Grandma to rub lard on his back.
He went downhill pretty quickly after that
He went downhill pretty quickly after that
Mary Hinge
Well-known member
I was talking to a chicken the other day. I got arrested for fowl language.
My ex used to hit me with musical instruments.
I didn't know she had a history of violins
I didn't know she had a history of violins
Philoldsmobile
Member
I'm a born comedian, when I was a kid people used to nudge each other and say "there's something funny about that boy"
A martian walks into a bar.
The barman orders him out, saying "Sorry, we don't want your type in here"
The Martian says " I don't want any trouble - tell you what, I'll buy everyone in the pub a drink "
The barman agrees.
"That'll be £304.56p, says the barman "
"Not a problem. ...do you have change for a Zonk?"
The barman orders him out, saying "Sorry, we don't want your type in here"
The Martian says " I don't want any trouble - tell you what, I'll buy everyone in the pub a drink "
The barman agrees.
"That'll be £304.56p, says the barman "
"Not a problem. ...do you have change for a Zonk?"
millemille
Well-known member
Bloke goes to the doctors as he's got an incredibly itchy arse.
The doctor has him drop his trousers and bend over so he can take a look.
"Well" says the doctor "I've never seen that before..."
"What? What is it?" asks the patient
"It's a lettuce leaf hanging out of your arse." says the doctor
"What does that mean?" asks the patient
"I don't know exactly, but I fear it's just the tip of the iceberg......"
The doctor has him drop his trousers and bend over so he can take a look.
"Well" says the doctor "I've never seen that before..."
"What? What is it?" asks the patient
"It's a lettuce leaf hanging out of your arse." says the doctor
"What does that mean?" asks the patient
"I don't know exactly, but I fear it's just the tip of the iceberg......"
millemille
Well-known member
Two snowmen, standing in a field.
One turns to the other and asks "Can you smell carrots?"
One turns to the other and asks "Can you smell carrots?"
Me: "Did You Ever See The Michael Caine Movie 'Alfie'?"
Wife "Yes...Why?"
Me: "What's it All About?"
Wife "Yes...Why?"
Me: "What's it All About?"
A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked : "Is my time up ?"
God said :"No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Face-lift, lipo-suction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She then changed her hair colour and straightened and brightened her teeth
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last cosmetic operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded "God, you said I had another 33 years to live. Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the Ambulance ?"
"I didn't recognize you"
Seeing God she asked : "Is my time up ?"
God said :"No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Face-lift, lipo-suction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She then changed her hair colour and straightened and brightened her teeth
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last cosmetic operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded "God, you said I had another 33 years to live. Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the Ambulance ?"
"I didn't recognize you"
Duke of Prunes
Well-known member
An old lady reaches 100 and the local paper gets wind of it , so they send a reporter -
Q: I hear it's your hundredth birthday
A: So they tell me
Q: And have you had a telegram from the Queen ?
A: Yes it's over there .
Q: Have you always been in good health ?
A: Yes
Q: And you've never been bed-ridden ?
A: Oh yes , and I've been table-ended as well ,
but I don't want that in your bloody newspaper .
Q: I hear it's your hundredth birthday
A: So they tell me
Q: And have you had a telegram from the Queen ?
A: Yes it's over there .
Q: Have you always been in good health ?
A: Yes
Q: And you've never been bed-ridden ?
A: Oh yes , and I've been table-ended as well ,
but I don't want that in your bloody newspaper .
Three ladies are chipping up to the fourth hole at the local Golf Club when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head, jumps from the trees and runs across the green, right in front of them.
The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood.
The first lady says, 'He is definitely not my husband.'
The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, 'He is not mine either.'
After a minute, the third lady finally says, - 'He's not even a member of this golf club'.
The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood.
The first lady says, 'He is definitely not my husband.'
The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, 'He is not mine either.'
After a minute, the third lady finally says, - 'He's not even a member of this golf club'.
ObvsDoesn't he just use the snowploughsimples
Awesome dude!!
@WAYNE ... step away from the keyboard and keep both hands on the drink.
Don't fucking start dude!!
I got trapped in a bidding war for a house, because my wife loved the lengthy corridor.
Now I’m in it for the long hall.
Now I’m in it for the long hall.
"Hi Betty, I hear your husband just died?"
"Yes, it was very sudden Edith"
"Did he have time for any last words?"
He said "Yes, your bum does look big in that "
"Yes, it was very sudden Edith"
"Did he have time for any last words?"
He said "Yes, your bum does look big in that "