So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means?
It’s not the end of the world.
It’s not the end of the world.
In here Ron...Jokes and other one liners...
- Thread starter AirCon
- Start date
Police have confirmed that a man who fell from a 7th Floor nightclub, was not a bouncer.
I just won an award for most secretive person in the office.
I can’t tell you how much that means to me.
I can’t tell you how much that means to me.
They knew you were there at least
When we were kids growing up ,we were so poor that when we were hungry, we had to suck on a piece of coal
it still brings a lump to my throat thinking about it
it still brings a lump to my throat thinking about it
I went out with a one legged girl once who worked in a brewery.
She was in charge of the hops.
She was in charge of the hops.
HootOwl
Well-known member
I ordered a sex toy off the internet, a custom made scale replica of my mrs fanny.
On the day it was due to be delivered I sat anxiously at my window, waiting for the postman.
After what felt like forever, he came struggling down my path with it in his hands, all dented and the flaps torn, blowing around in the breeze.
I thought they could've at least fucking wrapped it.
On the day it was due to be delivered I sat anxiously at my window, waiting for the postman.
After what felt like forever, he came struggling down my path with it in his hands, all dented and the flaps torn, blowing around in the breeze.
I thought they could've at least fucking wrapped it.
I've just invented a telepathically controlled air freshener
Makes scents when you think about it.
Makes scents when you think about it.
A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he spent years teaching the natives, in their language, when he realises that the one thing he never really taught them much was how to speak English.
So he takes the Chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The Chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
The Chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly says, "Man riding a bike."
The Chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowpipe and kills them both with poison darts.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
"My bike." he replied.
So he takes the Chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The Chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
The Chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. The Priest is really flustered and quickly says, "Man riding a bike."
The Chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowpipe and kills them both with poison darts.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
"My bike." he replied.
An old retired Pilot sat down in Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘were you a real pilot?’
He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca’s, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I was a pilot – what about you?’
She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’
‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘were you a real pilot?’
He replied, ‘Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca’s, Neiuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I was a pilot – what about you?’
She said, ‘I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.’
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?’
‘I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.’
HootOwl
Well-known member
A Scotsman paying his first visit to a zoo stopped by one of the cages
"An' what animal would that be ?" he asked the keeper.
"That's a moose from Canada", came the reply.
"A moose !!", exclaimed the Scotsman.
"Hoots, mon, if that's a moose then they must ha' rats the size of elephants over there !
"An' what animal would that be ?" he asked the keeper.
"That's a moose from Canada", came the reply.
"A moose !!", exclaimed the Scotsman.
"Hoots, mon, if that's a moose then they must ha' rats the size of elephants over there !
My dad was an expert at putting his foot in it...he asked a customer (that he'd known had been pregnant) across a busy shop "can't be long now, you look like you're ready?" To which she said "oh, I had the baby 6 weeks ago".
A girl agreed to go out with me after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
Schwepped her off her feet.
Schwepped her off her feet.
Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened?
The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up.
The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.
The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened?
The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up.
A bloke called directory inquiries.
"Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Manchester."
"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Manchester," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?"
The guy hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Weed Man."
"Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Manchester."
"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Manchester," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?"
The guy hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Weed Man."
I'm making a fortune out of promoting home security systems.
The pitch is easy. All I do is say "Hello".
At 3 o'clock in the morning whilst sitting on the end of their bed.
The pitch is easy. All I do is say "Hello".
At 3 o'clock in the morning whilst sitting on the end of their bed.
I am not worried about the new Monkey-pox Virus
I just want to know - WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
I just want to know - WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
My wife rearranged the labels on my spice rack…
Haven’t confronted her yet but the thyme is cumin.
Haven’t confronted her yet but the thyme is cumin.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough...
… the vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
… the vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.