The Joke Room.

A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.”

Two days later her doorbell rings.

“Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won't run away.”

“What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts.

“I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
 
One day when Jesus was relaxing in Heaven, He happened to notice a familiar-looking old man.

Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him, "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?"

"Yes," said the old man, "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens."

"Very interesting," said Jesus. "Did this boy ever have to fight temptation?"

"Oh, yes, many times," answered the old man. "But he eventually won. Unfortunately, he heroically died at one point, but he came back to life shortly afterwards."

Jesus couldn't believe it. Could this actually be His father?

"One last question," He said. "Were you a carpenter?"

"Why yes," replied the old man. "Yes I was."

Jesus rubbed His eyes and said, "Dad?"

The old man rubbed his eyes and said, "Pinocchio?"
 
1616611577771.webp
 
Morris and Bernard met in a restaurant for a Jewish business lunch.

Morris said "I have a good deal for you Bernard.When I was at London Zoo recently,I happened to pick up an elephant they didn't need any more.I could let you have it for just £3000."

Bernard sipped his gin and tonic and said," Morris ,what am I going to do with an elephant ? I live in a third floor flat and hardly have room for all my furniture.I can't even squeeze in a card table - So why do you think I'm going to buy an elephant?"

Morris thought then said - "OK Bernard - I could let you have three of them for two grand."

"Aha", said Bernard, "now you're talking!"
 
RETIREMENT BONUS
The Irish Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Quartermaster who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, ‘From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But the old Quartermaster insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the man to ‘drop 'em,' which he did. The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Quartermasters penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, ‘Where are your testicles?'
The Quartermaster calmly replied, 'the Lebanon.’
 
A few years ago, First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his dick."

Janet responded. "Just because I am considered ugly, doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances."

Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?"

Janet: "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest, fart I can. And believe me, that takes the wind out of his sails, so to speak! "

Hillary was impressed and thanked the Attorney General for her sage advice and hurried home.

Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed for bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolls over and says, "Is that, you Janet.....?"

1620989814369.webp
 
Me: Ma great to see you - I finally got a job

Mom: That's great Ron! What is it?

Me: Debt Collector

Mom: That's wonderful news Ron

Me: I guess you know why I'm here Ma?
 
A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl..
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Bolton fan, and proud of it ,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Bolton fan?'
'Because my mum is a Bolton fan, and my dad is a Bolton fan, so I'm a Bolton fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Bolton fan.
You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time… What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.
 
While riding my bike, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with my bike, I guess."
 
One day a dog is walking in the jungle.

Being a dog, he has amazing hearing and hears a leopard sneaking up behind him.

He quickly finds a bone and starts chewing on it shouting, 'that was a tasty leopard, I wonder if there are any more leopards around here?'

The leopard, startled by the comment, leaves in a hurry.

Meanwhile up in the trees, a monkey witnessed the whole thing. He thought to himself, 'I wonder if I tell the leopard what happened he'll give me immunity?'

So he finds the leopard and tells him everything. The leopard agrees to the terms and says, "alright get on my back and let's go get that dog."

The dog, with his amazing hearing, hears the whole exchange.

He waits until they are seconds away, then says loudly, "where is that fuckin' monkey? - I sent him out hours ago to fetch me another leopard"
'
 
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country ... we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives ...

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."
 
My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy.
I am happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don’t be upset—-I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table :
My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.
As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference – 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow. 😀
 
** Beware **
I ordered Chinese locally (won't name them) went to pick it up and as I was driving back home, heard the bags rustling and moving!!!
I thought what on earth is that? Has something gotten into the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out.

I was driving at the time so I pulled over, I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the ginger beef!

I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...

And there it was ...

... A Peeking Duck!!!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom