In here Ron...Jokes and other one liners...

RETIREMENT BONUS
The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with £96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which he did.
The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'.
 
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The woman's story..

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.
It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable!
Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.
He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"
🎂
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Rrad more :
👇
 
Q. Why do hurricanes have female names ?

A. Because when they arrive they are hot and wild and wet ,
but after they leave , you've got no house , no car and no money .

I know , it doesn't work so well these days since they now alternate male and female names ,
..... but what the hell .

Why let notions of equality , and PC , and all of that alphabet soup stuff spoil a perfectly
good joke ?

:rolleyes:
 
One day, while strolling down the street, John bumped into an old friend of his, Rob, from high school. “You look great John, how do you stay looking so young? Why you must be 60 already but you don’t look a day over 40!” Rob exclaimed.

“I feel like I’m 40 too!” replied John.

“That’s incredible” exclaimed Rob, “Does it run in the family? How old was your dad when he died?”

“Did I say he was dead?” asked John. “He’s 81 and is more active than ever. He's just joined the neighbourhood veteran rugby team!” responded John.

“Whoa! Well, how old was your Grandfather when he died?”

“Did I say he died” asked John. Rob was amazed. “He just had his 105th birthday and plays golf and goes swimming each day! He’s actually getting married this week.”

“Getting married?” Rob asked. If he’s 105, why on earth does he want to get married?"

“Did I say he wanted to?”
 
3 bodies turn up at the mortuary all with smiles on their faces.

The Pathologist asks the Undertaker, "Why are they all smiling?"

"1st guy died of heart attack while making love to his mistress, hence the smile - 2nd guy won the lottery jackpot, spent it on whisky and died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile - the 3rd guy, Paddy from Dublin, was struck by lightning"

"Why the fuck was Paddy smiling?"

"He thought he was having his photograph taken"
 
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're on the team sheet for this Saturday's match"
 
Draining his glass, Murphy said, 'I must be off. I'm taking night school classes in how to speak Vietnamese.'

'Why on earth do you want to learn that obscure language Paddy?' asked the bartender.


'Well, me and Colleen have just adopted a Vietnamese baby and I want to know what it says when it grows up,'
 
I was digging in the garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run into the house to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden in the first place.
 
Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. "My friend isn't breathing," he shouts into the phone. "What should I do?" "Relax," the operator tells him. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"
 
“I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the third world for a year. I’m not sure about you, but I think we’re being overcharged on groceries.”
 
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