I am writing a book about reverse psychology.
Please don't buy it.
Please don't buy it.
In here Ron...Jokes and other one liners...
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What has four legs and one arm ?
An escaped lion
An escaped lion
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their shirt pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their shirt pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
And God said to John: "Come forth and receive eternal life".
But he came fifth and won a toaster.
But he came fifth and won a toaster.
I’ve been sacked as the singer in a D:Ream tribute band as I kept getting the lyrics wrong…
Oh well, I guess things can only improve.
Oh well, I guess things can only improve.
My missus told me she was leaving because of my so-called obsession with The Monkees but I didn't take her seriously.
Then I saw her face.
Then I saw her face.
Last night, I went out drinking with The Beach Boys. It was great until I asked whose round it was.
Needed a wee at the pool today, so I just did it in the deep end.
Life guard noticed and blew his whistle so hard I nearly fell in.
Life guard noticed and blew his whistle so hard I nearly fell in.
16 sodium atoms walk into a bar, followed by Batman.
I went to my local off licence today to buy a bottle of vodka, and they've put the price up to £21
But tonight I'm gonna party like it's 19.99.
But tonight I'm gonna party like it's 19.99.
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A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. On seeing God, she asked: "Is my time up?"
God said: "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Face-lift, Liposuction, Breast Implants and a Tummy Tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her Teeth, as since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an Ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded: "I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the Ambulance?"
God replied: "Girl, I didn't recognize you"
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. On seeing God, she asked: "Is my time up?"
God said: "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Face-lift, Liposuction, Breast Implants and a Tummy Tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her Teeth, as since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an Ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded: "I thought you said I had another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the Ambulance?"
God replied: "Girl, I didn't recognize you"
Keith Richards was given a tortoise for his birthday.
He asked: "How old will it get".
"About 120 years Keith".
"Now you see why I'm against pets - you get attached to such an animal and then it dies."
He asked: "How old will it get".
"About 120 years Keith".
"Now you see why I'm against pets - you get attached to such an animal and then it dies."
Letting go of a loved one can be hard, but sometimes, it's the only way to survive a rock climbing catastrophe
My best three subjects at school were maths and history
Mine was Englesh.
What do a midget and a dwarf have in common?
Very little.
Very little.
Don’t use double negatives.
They’re a big no no.
They’re a big no no.
Einstien joke
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuits, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as he was being driven to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
“I have an idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”
When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker’s circuits, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as he was being driven to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.
“I have an idea, boss,” his chauffeur said. “I’ve heard you give this speech so many times. I’ll bet I could give it for you.” Einstein laughed loudly and said, “Why not? Let’s do it!”
When they arrived at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur’s cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein’s speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody’s fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, “Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me.”
1st man: "I''m a dyslexic skier & I'm not sure if I zig-zag or zag-zig down the mountain"
2nd man: "Don't ask me I'm a tobogganist"
1st man: "Oh, twenty Bensons please"
2nd man: "Don't ask me I'm a tobogganist"
1st man: "Oh, twenty Bensons please"
I wanted to thank everyone for sticking with me while I figured out the meaning of “many”.
It means a lot.
It means a lot.
Scientists have recentlv discovered a
food that greatly reduces sex drive.
It's called wedding cake.
food that greatly reduces sex drive.
It's called wedding cake.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
There was nothing left but de Brie.
I was out with my young daughter and
ran into a friend I'd not seen in years.
"This is Beth." I said, introducing my
kid.
"And what's Beth short for?" he asked.
“Because she’s only 3,” I replied.
ran into a friend I'd not seen in years.
"This is Beth." I said, introducing my
kid.
"And what's Beth short for?" he asked.
“Because she’s only 3,” I replied.