If there's anyone called Philip out there, I've got your screwdriver
The Joke Room.
- Thread starter wroughtironron
- Start date
Duke of Prunes
Well-known member
It was one of Everett's M'Lud
Dear old Kenny managed to " slip " this one past the powers that be ...
.... it took them a good few weeks to notice ( probably because somebody told them )
" When Britain was an empire we were ruled by an emperor.
When we became a kingdom we were ruled by a king.
And now we're a country we're ruled by .... Margaret Thatcher "
Dear old Kenny managed to " slip " this one past the powers that be ...
.... it took them a good few weeks to notice ( probably because somebody told them )
" When Britain was an empire we were ruled by an emperor.
When we became a kingdom we were ruled by a king.
And now we're a country we're ruled by .... Margaret Thatcher "
Two old guys, one 80 and the other 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
His 80-year-old buddy was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy?
The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help?
"Do you have any rye bread?"
"Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
"Can I have five loaves please?"
"My goodness, five loaves - By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard" she replied
"I can't believe everybody knows about this but me....."
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
His 80-year-old buddy was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy?
The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.
As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help?
"Do you have any rye bread?"
"Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
"Can I have five loaves please?"
"My goodness, five loaves - By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard" she replied
"I can't believe everybody knows about this but me....."
R
R32
Just visiting
A friend of mine, NIgel, was saying he's just started playing for another local football team.
The manager told him at his first match for them "I'm going to pull you off at half time" to which Nigel replied, "Wow that's great, I only got half an orange with the last team!
The manager told him at his first match for them "I'm going to pull you off at half time" to which Nigel replied, "Wow that's great, I only got half an orange with the last team!
Duke of Prunes
Well-known member
"You can't have everything ....
.....where would you put it all ? "
Steve Wright ( no , not the British DJ ) ..... probably the best-dead pan comedian I ever saw
.....where would you put it all ? "
Steve Wright ( no , not the British DJ ) ..... probably the best-dead pan comedian I ever saw
Blame it on the English
A young boy is doing his homework on WW11 and he's stuck, so he asks his Dad " I need some artifacts from the second world war, do you know how I can get hold of some?"
His Father tells him to go and see his Grandfather, as he was in the war with the army.
The boy visits his Grandad, explaining the homework task. "So, have you got anything from your army days Grandad?.." asks the boy.
"Yes, I've kept my old army revolver"
"Wow....any thing else Grandad...?"
"Here are my military medals" the old man proudly shows them his grandson.
"Crikey Grandad - anything else?"
"Yes, I've got my old greatcoat as well"
"Really...where is it Grandad?"
"It's upstairs, in the airing cupboard on top of the tank"
" Fuck, you've got a tank up there as well?"
His Father tells him to go and see his Grandfather, as he was in the war with the army.
The boy visits his Grandad, explaining the homework task. "So, have you got anything from your army days Grandad?.." asks the boy.
"Yes, I've kept my old army revolver"
"Wow....any thing else Grandad...?"
"Here are my military medals" the old man proudly shows them his grandson.
"Crikey Grandad - anything else?"
"Yes, I've got my old greatcoat as well"
"Really...where is it Grandad?"
"It's upstairs, in the airing cupboard on top of the tank"
" Fuck, you've got a tank up there as well?"
Duke of Prunes
Well-known member
Why were hurricanes traditionally named after women ?
Because when they arrive , they are hot and wet and wild ......
..... and when they leave you have no house , no money and no car
Because when they arrive , they are hot and wet and wild ......
..... and when they leave you have no house , no money and no car
That'll be Nic Sturg-un's Christmas card.
I used to work in a hand grenade factory.
It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop.
It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop.
A young Arab asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"
The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun."
"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.
"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body." said the father.
The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?
His father replied, "These are 'babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert."
"Tell me," added the boy.
"Yes, my son?"
"Why the fuck are you living in Manchester and still wearing all this shit?"
The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun."
"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.
"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body." said the father.
The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?
His father replied, "These are 'babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert."
"Tell me," added the boy.
"Yes, my son?"
"Why the fuck are you living in Manchester and still wearing all this shit?"
Duke of Prunes
Well-known member
Man says to a barman : What do you do if someone is having a fit in the bath ?
Barman says : Dunno
Man says : Add some detergent and throw in your laundry .
Second man says : I find that joke highly offensive , my flat mate died having a fit in the bath
First man : Did he drown?
Second man : It's not really any of your business , but he choked on a sock
Barman says : Dunno
Man says : Add some detergent and throw in your laundry .
Second man says : I find that joke highly offensive , my flat mate died having a fit in the bath
First man : Did he drown?
Second man : It's not really any of your business , but he choked on a sock
Z
Nicked from another group
Q: How many group members does it take to change a light bulb ?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.
6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb'.
Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.
22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks.
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp'.
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.
49 to post memes and gifs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn with the words added, “I’m just here for the comments.”)
19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.
11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.
24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs
44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you.
12 to post F.
8 to ask what F means.
7 to post 'Following' but there's 3 dots at the top right that means you don't have to.
3 to say "can't share"
2 to reply "can't share from a closed group"
36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.
15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and use their own light bulbs.
6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$"
4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".
13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".
1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments.
50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.
5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.
1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.
🏍🏍🏍
Nicked from another group
Q: How many group members does it take to change a light bulb ?
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
17 purists who use candles and are offended by light bulb discussions.
6 to argue over whether it's 'lightbulb' or 'light bulb'.
Another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid.
22 to tell THOSE 6 to stop being jerks.
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is 'lamp'.
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that 'light bulb' is perfectly correct.
49 to post memes and gifs (several are of Michael Jackson eating popcorn with the words added, “I’m just here for the comments.”)
19 to post that this page is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a light bulb page.
11 to defend the posting to this page saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant here.
24 to discuss the merits of LED/swirly fluorescent light bulbs
44 to claim LED and fluorescent bulbs will kill you.
12 to post F.
8 to ask what F means.
7 to post 'Following' but there's 3 dots at the top right that means you don't have to.
3 to say "can't share"
2 to reply "can't share from a closed group"
36 People to post pics of their own light bulbs.
15 People to post "I can't see S$%^!" and use their own light bulbs.
6 to report the post or PM an admin because someone said "f÷×$"
4 to say "Didn't we go through this already a short time ago?".
13 to say "Do a search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".
1 to bring politics into the discussion by adding that (insert politician of choice) isn't the brightest bulb. This usually takes place within the first three comments.
50 more to get into personal attacks over their political views.
5 admins to ban the light bulb posters who took it all too seriously.
1 late arrival to comment on the original post 6 months later and start it all over again.
🏍🏍🏍