There's a Nudist Convention in Huddersfield next week - I might go if I've nothing on
Jokes and other one liners... somewhere for our resident comedians to live.
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I was doing a crossword today and asked my wife "Elsie - what's a flightless bird from Iceland - six letters and seven letters?".
" Frozen Chicken you thick sod"
" Frozen Chicken you thick sod"
An old sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks, just once more for old time’s sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a hotel room.
He’s soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but (needing some reassurance) asks “How am I doing Darlin?”
The prostitute replies, “Well matey, you’re doing about three knots.”
“Three knots?” he asks, "What’s that supposed to mean?"
She replies, “You’re not hard, you’re not in, and you’re not getting your money back.”
He’s soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but (needing some reassurance) asks “How am I doing Darlin?”
The prostitute replies, “Well matey, you’re doing about three knots.”
“Three knots?” he asks, "What’s that supposed to mean?"
She replies, “You’re not hard, you’re not in, and you’re not getting your money back.”
Good News - I've got a new Thai girlfriend
Bad News - She keeps leaving the toilet seat up
Bad News - She keeps leaving the toilet seat up
When I was a boy I made a spelling mistake on my letter to Santa, and spent a very awkward Christmas Day with an Acton man
Quasimodo gets home from work to see Esmeralda getting the wok out of the cupboard.
"Great" says Quasi "are we having a Chinese tonight then?"
"No" says Esmeralda "I'm just going to iron your shirts"
"Great" says Quasi "are we having a Chinese tonight then?"
"No" says Esmeralda "I'm just going to iron your shirts"
A Jewish kid asks his dad for 50 pence,
"40 pence, what do you want 30 pence for?"
"40 pence, what do you want 30 pence for?"
To buy you a Birthday present Papa!
Muslim women have a new social networking site
"No Face-book"
"No Face-book"
At the start of the exam, the invigilator says, "You have exactly 2 hours. I will not accept any papers after this time has elapsed."
Two hours later, the invigilator calls out, "Time's up, Ladies and Gentlemen."
One student is still scribbling away ten minutes later when the invigilator has all the collected papers in a large stack front of him. Slowly, the student finishes up and walks over to hand in his paper, but the invigilator refuses to accept it.
The student puffs up his chest and says: "Do you have any idea who I am?"
"No," says the invigilator.
"Great," says the student as he slips his paper into the middle of the stack.
Two hours later, the invigilator calls out, "Time's up, Ladies and Gentlemen."
One student is still scribbling away ten minutes later when the invigilator has all the collected papers in a large stack front of him. Slowly, the student finishes up and walks over to hand in his paper, but the invigilator refuses to accept it.
The student puffs up his chest and says: "Do you have any idea who I am?"
"No," says the invigilator.
"Great," says the student as he slips his paper into the middle of the stack.
MUSIC FACT OF THE DAY.
Shania Twain’s real first name is Choo-Choo.
Shania Twain’s real first name is Choo-Choo.
Just done my good deed for today! I’ve just come back from Tesco’s, where I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to £56.83, but when she counted out all her change, she only had just under £40. I thought she was probably someones Nan, and I’d like to think someone would help my Nan in that situation. She didn’t want me to help her, but I insisted, and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves...
Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.
After taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.
"You see," Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.
Carl continues: "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it.
So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me?
How can I help?"
Carl says: "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers.
I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers.
Jim, disgusted, says: "You have got to be kidding me!"
And Carl says: "I shit. You knot."
After taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.
"You see," Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued.
Carl continues: "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it.
So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me?
How can I help?"
Carl says: "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers.
I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers.
Jim, disgusted, says: "You have got to be kidding me!"
And Carl says: "I shit. You knot."
A nun walks into the Mother Superior’s office and plonks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.
“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”
“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”
“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”
“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!”
“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”
“Well, we were on the fifth tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother — 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green … and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted … and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”
“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”
“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister.
“While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”
“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother Superior.
“But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “
And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”
“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.
“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”
The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said …
“You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?”
“What troubles you, Sister?” asked the Mother Superior. “I thought this was the day you spent with your family.”
“It was,” sighed the Sister. “And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.”
“I seem to recall that,” the Mother Superior agreed. “So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?”
“Far from it,” snorted the Sister. “In fact, I took the Lord’s name in vain today!”
“Goodness, Sister!” gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. “You must tell me all about it!”
“Well, we were on the fifth tee — and this hole is a monster, Mother — 540 yard par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green … and I hit the drive of my life. The sweetest swing I’ve ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted … and it hits a bird in mid-flight!”
“Oh my!” commiserated the Mother Superior. “How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!”
“No, that wasn’t it,” admitted the Sister.
“While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!”
“Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!” sympathized the Mother Superior.
“But I didn’t, Mother!” sobbed the Sister. “
And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!”
“So that’s when you cursed,” said the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.
“Nope, that wasn’t it either,” cried the Sister, anguished, “because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!”
The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said …
“You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?”
An old farmer's dog goes missing and he is inconsolable.
His wife says to him, "Jacob, why don't you put an ad in the paper to get him back".
The farmer does this, but after two weeks the dog is still missing.
"What did you write in the paper?" asked his wife.
"Here boy,"
His wife says to him, "Jacob, why don't you put an ad in the paper to get him back".
The farmer does this, but after two weeks the dog is still missing.
"What did you write in the paper?" asked his wife.
"Here boy,"
I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend this morning who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".
"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.
"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."
She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".
"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone... everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
So I told her to fuck off.
I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic".
"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.
"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have."
She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge".
"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone... everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!"
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.
She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.
Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"
So I told her to fuck off.
An tourist accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a Irish country road.
Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny.
The man asked the farmer for help, and the farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper.
Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move.
Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move.
Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull."
Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.
The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times?
The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."
Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny.
The man asked the farmer for help, and the farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper.
Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move.
Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move.
Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull."
Benny pulled the car out of the ditch.
The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times?
The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."
My mate wanted a campervan, so his wife painted his white van pink.